so long...farewell!

So I think I decided I really don't enjoy blogging. Although this has been quite a short-lived adventure, I think I'll stick to writing in a journal to get all the thoughts out of my head. I really see no point in displaying them on the internet for all to see (yes all 3 people that may actually read this)
On that note, thanks for stopping in and someday when I get the urge again I may be back. But until then, I'm going to eliminate this one more distraction in my life.
Who was I kidding anyway :)
See ya'll!

dinner and a friend

I had a fabulous convo over dinner with Trish tonight. Trish is my best good friend :) She is a phenomenal women and it never ceases to amaze me how much she can read about me just by a short conversation. I don't know why she continuously helps me to figure out what's going on in my crazed brain, but she does and I love her for it!

Tonight she told me she doesn't think I'm content with where I'm at ministry-wise...and in turn my own spiritual life is becoming stifled as a result. I thought about it for a while and would have to agree. I lead 2 small groups, one co-lead through church and one for the upper-class women in Navigator's on the U of M campus. I am also in the process of potentially taking on discipling a freshman women from the U of M. I have to admit it's definitely a lot to take on outside of a full time job, trying to get feed spiritually and maintain all of my awesome friendships. But every year I somehow end up taking all this on.

One possible realization through the dinner convo tonight...I think I may be burned out from campus ministry. Don't get me wrong, I love it. It's what got me back on the narrow path of following Christ from a torturous road that could have lead me to much worse. But I was involved in it all through school. And I can't dedicate myself and be involved as much as I feel is needed by solely being on a volunteer level.

I also came to the conclusion, which I have thought for some time, that I really want to work with high-schoolers. I love that age! They are so vulnerable to follow the "cool" crowd and get sucked into a lifestyle that will spit them out at a much different place in life. Highschool for me was fairly harsh. Yeah I was a cheerleader, had a bunch of friends, went to parties, had boyfriends...and even kept that lifestyle through the first year of college. But my throat tightens just thinking of the time I wasted when I could have been living for the Lord and saving myself much heartache. I would give anything to save one highschool kid from going through that. I would love to be involved in their lives to let them know there is much more to be known and savored through Jesus Christ than to be learned from the views of their peers.

I don't know what all of this means...I could get involved in the highschool group through BBC (church), I could get involved with other groups such as Young Life...I just don't know. I know I want to build relationships, get to know the core of these kids and share in hardships and victories as they struggle through some of the toughest formative years. I like relationships...I think I'm getting better at them :) It used to be a little rough, but that is one area God sure is chipping away at in me. He's helping me to trust and know that I am worth being loved and befriending.
*Side-note: I also have a couple good friends that tell me I need to not be so afraid of hugs. I think I can get there. They hug me a lot now just to make me used to it. It's helping...I think...I like the idea of hugs. I just feel weird about them...anyway. *end side-note

Any thoughts or ideas of what this could look like? Any programs you know of that work with highschool kids, build relationships, share in growing faith, and do awesome activities? I welcome any suggestions or ideas. I want the Lord to use me how He see's fit...not how I simply decide to spend my free time. I know He will bless whatever I do, but in true pursuit I want to research, pray, listen and act on something that is honoring and true to who I am.

Have a blessed day!

tossin' my cookies...

No not throwing up...although that disgusting activity did unfortunately visit me last week for a bit. I knew I shoulda got that flu shot! Oh well!
What I really mean is ...I actually ruined the chocolate chip cookies I made tonight. Ruined. I've never done that! I'm a great choco chip cookie maker...they are fabulous! I love them and my friends love when I make them. My mom is always amazed because her's always turned out like pancakes, burnt on the outside and not quite done in the middle. But somehow I had perfected it and that made me so excited cause I really want to be that mom who's kids friends just can't wait to go over to my kids house cause they know I'm a good cook and will love to bake them little goodies! And they could say "wow your mom makes the best cookies I've ever tasted!"

There's a huge problem that happened tonight. No, it's not really the fact that I ruined the cookies, although that did kinda stink. The problem is the fact that it bothered me so much. I mean it really bothered me. And then my chest started to get all tight and I started going over and over in my head what's going on with me that's making me mess things up lately. Then I sat and just closed my eyes because I realized I'm letting my other side take over me again...that evil anxiety is back to haunt. I had a little panic attack before I left for Finland at Christmas because something was messed up with my tickets. My friend Trish can attest...I was freaking. Like to the point I was short of breath. Yeah...I don't have a problem right? Ha.

I'm not trusting and I'm not having faith in my Savior that He can handle things and I don't need to freak out like this. I just found out we have to move out of the house way early...so now I have to really figure out where I want to live. And this is huge for me because, of course in my perfectionist head I should have been engaged or married or something by now that I shouldn't have to worry about this. So I beat myself up about it. I'm having a hard time at work...a bunch of projects I have been working on have had some problems. Not all are my fault, in fact most aren't. But I think what if I had just re-checked something, or why didn't someone tell me that I needed to do that...I didn't know. And it's nothing that's going to cost us money...but see, I think I need to be perfect. I'm a perfectionist, everyone knows it. But lately it's been taking over. I miss me...I miss my Jesus in my day. I want Him there so desperately, but every day I feel so unworthy to come to Him because I've been blowing Him off so much lately. Why is it we have such a problem humbling ourselves before the Lord and realizing that He did what He did for us so that we COULD continually throw ourselves at His feet and proclaim we are not worthy of His love, yet we believe and have HOPE in Him that He loves us just the same? Whew...that was a mouthful. But seriously why am I so reluctant to let Him lead my life and surrender this need to perfect everything without His help?

Guess that's all for now...no overwhelming conclusions...but if you try and offer me help and I say I'm fine and just want to do it myself, or see me running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to make everyone happy...please just slap some sense into me :)

Interesting Conversation...

Get this...so I park on campus (I found a phenominal parking spot by the way...only one block from where I was going!!) and grab the 2 very full grocery bags from the back of my car, filled to the brim with necessary supplies for creating wonderful holiday treats w/my Nav girls Bible study. I'm all happy and walking w/my 2 heavy bags, praying they don't rip, when I walk past the campus Latter Day Saints church. These 2 guys approach me and ask if they can help, when I politely reply "oh it's ok, I'm actually going to this building right up here. Thanks though!"
But that does not deter them from their goal...their goal to talk to me and convert me to their beliefs. Of course, I know their objective from the start and humor them as they rush to keep up with my quick pace and hurridly ask what my beliefs are. I of course share that I am a believer in the one and only Savior Jesus Christ, and have a personal relationship and faith in Him. They then procede to smile and get really excited about this. "That's great!" one exclaims...I just smiled and said "yup, it is great!"

But then it got a little weird from their. See, I've never actually talked to a Mormon about their beliefs or even let one tell me about them. I'm the kind of person that doesn't really like to debate w/people or try to convince them in the 5 extra minutes I have at the time that my beliefs are correct and not theirs. It's just not my style. But for some reason I just kept answering questions and talking with these 2 guys. All in all, the time was only about 15 min. but it seemed like an eternity to me. I got very heated a couple times because one guy seemed to really have it out to trip me up (I'm assuming they love to do that to us "Christians" just like those who like to debate love to trip up their opponent on their ideas) but I stood my ground and re-worded and defended my Savior as being the only way to heaven...

There was one thing in this conversation that really bothered me for the first time in my life. For the first time, I was really mad at myself that I didn't know more about the Mormon faith to more accurately and easily share and defend my own faith. He kept asking me why I didn't want to know about these modern day prophets because they were the one key part of my faith that I am apparently missing according to them. As my beliefs stand today, I don't think I need anyone to be a part of my eternal salvation besides the state of my own heart and Jesus Christ, who gave his life so I could have mine eternally with the Father.
This was the point in the conversation I couldn't get past...they wouldn't let me. I kept asking them how a human had any control over my eternal salvation when they agreed with me that only faith in Jesus Christ as the only Savior would gain eternal life. Their arguements to this were Bible references to where God needed people to share the good news. To this I simply stated "God doesn't NEED humans. He CHOSES to use us how He sees fit according to His will" They were like "yeah God USES humans to tell others about Him".
I said "yes and there's a BIG difference between God NEEDING us and God USING us. By saying God needs us, you're belittling Him to something less than He is. You are saying He's not all-powerful, among other things" There were other things said about being baptized by these modern prophets and if you haven't you won't have salvation either. Of course, I know this is not true...

This is where I told them I needed to go because I was already late. But the situation has stuck in my head no less. I still get really emotional and feel the intensity of the conversation even as I relive it in this post. My hands are shaking. I've prayed for these 2 guys ever night because they asked me to pray about what they had told me and seek out the truth. I have prayed about what we talked about, but for a different reason. I have prayed for them because I don't think they are following the truth. I think they are spending much of their time trying to lead others to follow this non-truth as well. It makes me sad...frustrated that they agreed with me on so many points and then tried to tell me that my Jesus was not enough to ensure my salvation.
But I thank God for this conversation even though it was very frustrating and angering to me. I learned that even though I'm not the debating type, I am the stand up and share my faith type. And maybe I don't know all the fancy come-backs or all the theological, technical lingo.
But I know what I believe and that's enough. My Savior, Jesus Christ is enough.

i wanna be a turtle...

if you have no desire for randomness...don't bother reading any further

do you ever just want to crawl into a hole for like a week or so? yeah that's me...except i was thinking i'd rather be a turtle and be able to just crawl into my shell at a moments notice. cause at least my shell is mine and it's familiar and not some dirty hole...anyway, why do i wanna be a turtle you might ask? or you might have read about *this* far and decided to just move on. fine by me cause i'm not really here for ya'll out there in cyber space.

i wanna be turtle today because everything's just kinda icky lately. i mean, God is good and sovereign and He's still been teaching me and showing me a lot of stuff lately. but i just feel burnt, spent, emotionally drained. i want to have a shell to just crawl into for like a week and spend some Q.T. w/my Father. but i've even had this feeling lately like i'm not worthy enough to come to Him because my desires just seem so utterly selfish. and how the heck am i supposed to be "leading" 2 different small groups when i feel like i have nothing to offer?

when is the point that you get over old love...when is the point that you stop wanting more and are content w/who you are...when is the point that i can stop being such a girl over things...when is the point that i get to become less dramatic.

i miss old friendships...i've gotten to connect w/a few old friends lately and i wonder why they are old friends? i loved our friendships and it just seems like i let distance get in the way...then i'm jealous that they are all still friends w/each other and i'm just out there on my own. but then that's lame of me too cause i have some phenomenal friends.

one of my childhood friends is pregnant and she sent me a picture of how far along she is...8 months...which means she is so cute and very prego :) i'm so happy for her and her hubby cause they are going to be great parents.

why am i so scared of my job? i really really want to love it...but i don't. in fact, i think i quite resent it right now which gives me the most awful attitude at work. not good. i put on a good face though...so i don't think anyone really notices how unchallenged and discontent i am. i often want to be a turtle at work...especially today.

ever have those days where everything just kinda goes sour? i mean, not completely wrong, but just kind of tainted? tainted...hmmm...i like that word. anyway...maybe i'm a tainted designer. or maybe i'm just retarded today and should go to bed.

my mom and i are trying to get in shape together...kind of like a "Biggest Loser" type of thing...only w/out the large sum of money for an incentive so it will be a little more difficult. but see, this year of transition into work and sitting on my duff all day has taken a toll on me and my duff. so this little turtle is taking her and her shell to the gym at least 4 times a week.

i'm sorry there nothing brilliant in here. maybe i should just stick to a paper journal instead of people seeing a new blog and then reading this. but i like typing better than writing so i'll leave my secret prayers for prayer journal and ever other random, poorly thought out thought for ya'll.

peace.

um...

so i think my last post may have sounded a bit mean or harsh to anyone who actually reads my blog...sorry about that. i didn't mean to sound as if i dislike comments or anything. i think it was just something i was going through in my head last night and in the heat of the moment was just annoyed. as a girl, sometimes i know that guys just like to fix problems. i like to tell my problems for empathy...guys like to fix the problems they hear. and sometime i just don't think you can always 'fix it'....i mean 'you' in the anyone sense not just guys.

work is well...slow...hence the reason i am writing something mid-afternoon while i should be cleaning or filing or something since i have no projects to work on. we talked of the slowness at work today over our interiors dept. lunch. supposidly i shouldn't worry and there should be more work coming soon. i'm still worried though...i'm worried i will die of boredom before we get new projects in. i'm thinking i may want to pursue some of my more crazy, out-there jobs i would like to do...like working back at camp full time, working w/highschoolers somehow...i don't know. i miss being challenged, i miss really good conversation, i miss making a difference somehow.

i think post-collegiate, twenties should just be labeled the 'confusion years'. you never really have any clue or assurance that you know what you're doing is the right thing. you feel like life is one big guess sometimes. granted we should be living by God's leading, but what if you just can't hear or see the clues? what if i'm staying at my job solely for the fact that it scares the crap out of me to leave because i'd have no idea what to do? do i figure it all out and then quit...do i quit and then figure it out? i think my dad would pretty much have a heart attack if i quit my job unless i had something lined up. in fact, i know he would. but parents don't always know, right? i'd like to think they do but maybe my uneasiness right now IS God's way of telling me something needs to be changed.

ok ok...back to work....if i can find some to do

quick thought

Do you ever want something in your life to stay the same just because it's easier? I'm sure everyone does at least once in their life. I've always adored change. I've adored it because I get bored really fast when things are the same. But when I think of something that could be completely life altering to my existince at this time, I'm not so sure I'm ready to jump into that change. I want to cry, scream, jump up and down, stay in bed all day, laugh, just somehow express what is going on inside of me right now.
I don't need anyone to try and psycho-analyze me, I don't want to try and spill it all out so someone can tell me what I need to do. I want to pray, I want God to take me through the weird crappy time and I want to be thankful for it. But I also want to admit that is sucks more than anything else in the world can suck. Something wants to come screaming out of me and I really want to know what it is!! But for now I need to wait and rest in Him. I need to believe in my head even if it doesn't translate to my heart that my relationship with my God exists and if that is the only one true thing I can know and rely on right now then I have hope of understanding.
We all struggle and I know it. I don't put things here cause I think someone out there somewhere can fix it or help me. I don't want to be clever or intelligent or bring up fancy new ideas. I want to spew out my thoughts as they come to just get them out in hopes of verbal processing. My friend Trish and I are by far big V.P.'ers. Nothing is better in the day than a great V.P. session. Even if it's to cyber space and some crazy's are reading my thoughts.
So thanks for the V.P.

oh and one last thing...if you ever see spelling or grammar errors on here...rest assured I don't really care ;)